


Plugging the Pipe

by Ysabetwordsmith



Series: Love Is For Children [53]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2020-08-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:34:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25735114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ysabetwordsmith/pseuds/Ysabetwordsmith
Summary: Tony solves a problem without using a single invention.
Relationships: Pepper Potts & Tony Stark
Series: Love Is For Children [53]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/42722
Comments: 30
Kudos: 164





	Plugging the Pipe

**Author's Note:**

> This is the freebie for the August 5, 2020 Poetry Fishbowl. It was inspired by a prompt from Dreamwidth user Bairnsidhe. It also fills the "rich bastard" square in my 2-28-19 card for the Meet Ugly Bingo fest.

Phil walked into the common room  
to find Tony pacing back and forth,   
grumbling at thin air -- clearly not   
JARVIS -- and then a spark of blue  
revealed the hands-free phone  
discreetly clipped over his ear.

"... yeah, no, that's not enough,"  
Tony said, cornering around  
the couch. "I told you to STOP  
venting waste into the Hackensack,  
because that feeds into Newark Bay,  
which connects to the Rahway River,  
which lets out into the Upper Bay and  
the Raritan Bay, wrapping most of  
Staten Island in toxic glop."

Phil shuddered. They had   
gotten called out once to deal with   
radioactive lobsters controlled by   
a technobaron gone mad, which took   
longer than usual as the Avengers were   
limited to radiation-resistant members.

Though it had been quite amusing   
to see Hulk sitting in the wreckage   
calmly roasting the remains over   
a street fire before stuffing himself   
with appropriately-sized lobster.

"So you know, we got enough   
supervillains without people like you  
actively _fertilizing the world_ to grow  
even more of them," Tony said.

This was true. AIM alone  
tended to spawn byblows,  
and HYDRA was HYDRA.

Toxic waste mutating wildlife  
and possibly people in New York,  
they absolutely did not need.

Unfortunately SHIELD's job  
didn't cover corporate supervision  
for the whole eastern seaboard.

"Fine, be that way," Tony snapped.  
"I don't need you on board to fix this shit."

The call ended with phone-slamming sound.

"Problem?" Phil said mildly, wondering if  
this would disrupt the rest of the day.

"Not for long," Tony said with a tight grin.  
"JARVIS, roll out the cannons. Lock  
and load the takeover budget."

"Aye-aye, cannons at the ready, Captain,"  
JARVIS replied in an ominous tone.

"Wait, _what?"_ Steve squawked,  
walking into the common room.  
"I didn't order any cannons!"

"Those are mine," Tony said. "I   
tried playing nice, but diplomacy has   
failed, so now it's pirate time."

"This oughta be good,"  
Bucky said, and then   
headed into the kitchen.

"JARVIS, get me Pepper,"  
Tony said, bouncing on his toes.

"Connecting," JARVIS said,  
and the big viewscreen lit up with   
Pepper in the conference room.

Behind her, the table held  
half a dozen women in  
sharply-tailored suits,  
as many men who looked  
like corporate sharks, and  
a mousy little fellow at the end  
whom Phil had tried and failed  
to poach for SHIELD. Twice.

Pepper bared her teeth.  
"They said no?" she asked.

"Yep, they said no," Tony confirmed,  
then thrust his arm in the air. _"Attaaack!"_

Pepper touched a key on her laptop.  
"Boarding parties away," she said.  
"Plundering in progress. Enjoy  
your view of the battle, sir."

Then she turned toward  
the others at the table,  
who were all diving into  
their own computers,  
and began giving orders.

"JARVIS, split screen,"  
Tony said. Half the view  
turn to a black field full of  
company names and numbers.

"What's that?" Clint said  
as he came into the room.

It looked like a stock exchange  
to Phil, though he was no expert.

"Battlefield," Tony said. "Do you  
remember the giant lobsters?"

"Gee, you mean the ones that  
you and Hulk got to smash  
 _without me_ because I'm  
squishy?" Clint groused.

"Yep," Tony said. "I tracked  
the source of the problem to  
industrial effluvia in the water  
around Staten Island. Since  
the Fortune 500 pissant in charge  
of that won't quit dumping, we need  
another way of plugging the pipe. So   
I set Pepper on him. It's pirate time."

"Sweet," Clint said, vaulting  
over the back of the couch  
to flop on the cushions.   
"Now all we need is --"

"Anybody want popcorn?"  
Bucky said, coming out of  
the kitchen with a big bowl.  
"I made lobster flavor."

"Gimme." Clint flapped  
a hand above the couch back.

Bucky handed him the bowl,  
then picked up Clint's feet  
and sat down on the couch.

Steve curled on the floor,  
leaning against Bucky's legs.

Phil sat down in a chair,  
eyeing the viewscreen.  
"Nothing seems to be   
happening," he said.

"Wait for it," Tony said  
with a smirk, taking  
some popcorn as  
Clint passed the bowl.

Suddenly a spark of red  
lit the screen, then another,  
and soon it all bled downhill.

"Epic," Clint approved.

"So this is about stopping  
supervillains by ... preventing  
them from developing?" Steve said,   
poking carefully at his StarkPhone.

"Yeah, I'm still sore about  
the lobsters," Clint said.

"Better not to repeat those,"  
Steve said with a nod.

"I love watching Pepper  
work," Tony said, smiling  
at the carnage onscreen.  
"She is utterly devastating."

"Yeah, they're not gonna be  
making much trouble with  
whatever pocket change  
they have left after she  
gets through with them,"  
Bucky said. "But hey,  
all's fair in love and war."

"It shouldn't be long before  
we own them lock, stock,   
and subsidiaries," Tony said.   
"Then we can shut down   
the factories ourselves."

"Well done," Phil said.  
"I'm just used to you  
saving the world in ...  
more explosive ways."

Tony shrugged. "Sometimes,  
it's better to solve problems by   
preventing them, and for that,  
throwing money at them  
usually works best."

**Author's Note:**

> See a [map of New York waters](https://media.nationalgeographic.org/assets/photos/000/283/28314.jpg).
> 
> You can [make lobster butter](https://funkyfoods.blog/2019/07/09/lobster-butter/) by cooking lobster shells in melted butter until it turns orange. Pour that into an ice cube tray to freeze, and you can have lobster butter whenever you want it. Enhance the flavor by crushing [dried crayfish](http://www.clovegarden.com/ingred/sf_crayafz.html) to go with it. Sprinkle over homemade popcorn.


End file.
